More Writing Advice for Writers

I know I said in my last article that next I’d be discussing the best and worst soups given to me by people driving by my house while I shovel snow off my driveway because they think I’m a hobo. While it’s a very rich topic, I must admit the soup hasn’t been flowing as much since I wrote that article. Sure, we had that one snowstorm where we got 20 inches overnight. After that, we kind of had a heat wave, which I’m sure you all remember fondly. Perhaps more soup will come in as I begin raking, but who knows when that will be?

I’ve been busting my brain since my last article about what my next one will be about. I had some great ideas. Instead of any of those, I think I’ll share some insights I’ve gained from attempting to be a writer.

The #1 Question I Get Asked Most

I guess the question I get asked most is “Hey, Brent, you’ve been a writer for about two days. Why should we take any advice from you?”

Great question. You probably shouldn’t take my advice. Any of it. I don’t deliver it well, and I make sure not to do any supporting research. Also, I seldom have anything relevant to say. Like my last article. What was that even about? I certainly don’t know. I doubt you do, either. But I stand by it, and I think that’s important.

The #2 Question I Get Asked Most

“Do you have to cuss so much in your writing?”

Well, I don’t think I do cuss that much. There might have been a few swears that made it into my book, but most of them were quite colorful. Something to be proud of, I feel. Besides, I’m supposed to be an “artist”, right? What if Edgar Allan Poe, Bram Stoker, or J. K. Rowling had never used any fancy swear words? Yeah, we’d never know who those bums were. I’m not comparing myself to them, though. I’m just saying that if Indiana Jones never used the F-bomb, nobody would have watched that movie and the Germans would have won the Cold War. Or China. Or whatever. I wasn’t a History major, so save your angry letter, Poindexter.

The #3 Question I Get Asked Most

“If you’re such an authority on writing, how come I’ve never heard of you?”

A fair question. Remember, I never claimed to be an authority on writing. You can’t show me anywhere I’ve said that. I don’t even claim to be an authority on the television series “Sons of Anarchy”, and I watch that WAY more than I write. I think it all comes down to two things: A) The show doesn’t have enough Opie, and B) Can you believe Clay did that junk at the end of last season?! Such character development! I was thinking about getting a motorcycle of my very own, but then I would always be out riding it. I wouldn’t have time to watch the program, let alone write Sons of Anarchy fan fiction. Which I don’t do because that would be lame. Well, it might be kinda cool, right?

The #4 Question I Get Asked Most

“How come your articles never have a point?”

Uh, because they do have a point! Just because you don’t like my Breaking Bad fan fiction, doesn’t mean my articles are pointless. Like this article you’re reading right here. It’s a genuine effort to answer the writing related questions I get asked most often. Times like this I know how Poe and Stoker and Rowling must have felt back in the 1800’s or whatever, when everyone was giving them a bunch of guff over what they were writing. Again, I’m not comparing myself to them. I’m just saying we’re the same.

The #5 Question I Get Asked Most

“Didn’t the first Harry Potter book come out 1990?”

Uh, it’s called a movie, folks. It’s different from books. I’m sort of a book industry insider, so I probably know a little more than you do, okay? I haven’t read any of the books in the series, but I think they were written in like 1830. My wife and I argue about this all the time, since she claims to have read them all. Trust me, fellas, it’s good to let your wife think she’s right sometimes… But not when she’s wrong about books! Like when I told her the movie “Triple X”, starring Vin Diesel, was originally based on a novel. She says, “That’s the novelization of the movie. It came after the film was released. And why on Earth would you give it to me for Christmas two years in a row?” Well, I gave it to you because I know you like to read and I wanted to give you something you never read before. When you didn’t read it the first year, I figured you must have forgotten about it. But now you still haven’t read it. I’m honestly beginning to suspect you don’t appreciate the gift… the gift of Vin Diesel as extreme spy Xander Cage!

Thanks for reading my article titled More Writing Advice for Writers. You found it entertaining and informative.